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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 3, 2012 10:00am-10:35am PDT

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ringyou'll have time to read 1-800-cona giant book.asy, but, you can just take all that money you'll save and see the movie instead. 1-800-contacts... giant book... giant book: the movie. order now at 1-800-contacts. also at walmart. >> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00, here it is our moment of zen wince want to warn you, we will give away results from today's olympics throughout the show. so if you don't want to know what happens i want you to mute your television for the next few minutes. michael phelps has become the most decorated olympian of all time. the
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["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you sox welcome to the report. thank you for joining us up on this balmy thursday.
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nation, the world is gripped with olympic fever and i have got it bad. [ laughter ] my doctor actually said i might have ringworm. [ laughter ] and folks, i caught it from a horse. [ laughter ] the romney's olympic dressage steed raflaca. oh, people love raflaca. yesterday was raflaca's first day of competition and she crushed it. power prancing to a score of 70.243. that sun heard of in that i've never heard a dressage score. is that good? is that good? [cheers and applause] i'm being told -- i am being told that no one knows. [ laughter ] anyway the second round is tonight. check your local listings on the nbc dressage channel which i'm guessing is bravo. [ laughter ] we'll have more coverage on tomorrow's show which, of course, we do not broadcast.
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[ laughter ] now, folks, you are here on an historic night. the report has been on the air almost seven years now. it's gone through a lot of changes. who could forget year one and the antigovernment sidekick the spend too much chinman. it was a deny -- chinaman. it was a different time. we didn't know then. and i had a semght better know a district. each segment was liken countering a rare wooly imagine mouth who was unpopular in his tundra. all that ended when nancy pelosi told members of congress quote "i wouldn't recommend that anyone go on the show." [cheers and applause] and -- and. [ laughter ] and they stopped coming on. [ laughter ] to add insult to injury, the
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entire democratic delegation went on chelsea lately. steny hoyer will discuss his yeast infection with her but not me. well this past ash wednesday i made a deal with the dell. if by devil you mean nancy pelosi, and i generally do. if i support the disclose act, will you encourage the democratic members of the house of representatives to do my better know a district sear -- series? >> it's a deal. >> stephen: it's a deal. since then, i have passionately supported the disclose act but senate republicans have filibustered. i mean who could have seen that coming? certainly not me when i made my deal with nancy. [ laughter ] but now it is time for the speaker to pay the piperment --
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pay the piper. oh, hi there, i was just about to throw back another cold one. no matter how many times i do that, i never get drunk. coincidentally the makers of my favorite diet fruit flavored lagger is located in the subject of the 65th installment of were the know a district. tonight mo m-'s third. fitin third. this contains many. the st. louis, city of lights, a-rod, sloop lions. in 1849 part of district was destroyed by a fire after a steam boat exploded on the mississippi river. tragic. fp only they could have found some sort of nearby water source to put it out.
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[ laughter ] the third is also home on agri-giant monsanto which holds hundreds of patents on genetically modified plants from corn that produces its own pesticide to soybeans that lobby congress. and who has the modified plums to represent such a district it's turn in other than russ carnahan who this tuesday faces a primary to represent missouri's new first district because the current first district has been redistricted which brings us to the subject of the 66th installment of the 134 part series better know a redistrict. the fightin' used to be part of the third. it's home to the st. louis cardinals named for home run champ mark mcgwire, also
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genetically engineered by monsanto. [ laughter ] i sat down well congressman carnahan in his washington office to talk about the old third, the new first and why seven ate nine. congressman thank you for talking to me today. >> great to be with you. >> stephen: you are john carnahan but you go by russ. >> right. >> stephen: may i call you rusty? >> no. >> >> stephen: carney, rusty trombone. tell me about the district. it's parts of st. louis and parts of north st. louis county to a new superdemocrattic district. >> stephen: the headquarters of monsanto are in your district, true? >> yes. >> stephen: how did you feel about genetically modified foods? >> i think there's a place for that. a great example is some of the
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drought-stricken areas in the u.s. >> stephen: mon santo is one of your biggest donors. >> right. >> stephen: are you a genetically modified ear of corn in a suit running for congress. >> i am -- >> stephen: are you a congressman or a corn-gressman. >> i'm russ carnahan running for congress. >> stephen: you are dodging the question. are you human or a genetically modified vegetable from monsanto. >> i'm human. >> stephen: legally i have to get that before i move on. you worked to ensure enactment of the america competes act to improve math and science education. sell me on math y do we need it? >> the united states for a long time led in science and technology. >> stephen: we don't need math anymore we have computers and chinese people. >> studies show the kind of investments in early childhood
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education they pay off dividends. >> stephen: is there insome way to find out which kids are worth investing in instead of spraying cash at kids like a hose. this is wasteful. >> not at all. >> stephen: shiewg a horse before he has won the race. >> we want all the kids to win the race. >> stephen: that idea i like. i like the idea of racing children. it's a great way to raise money. >> i don't think that -- >> stephen: put kids in harnesses and have even smaller children race them. [ laughter ] >> the specifics are really clear. >> stephen: it's a good idea. you cocosponsorred the respect for marriage act a bill that would repeal the defense of marriage act? >> right. >> stephen: why do you support gay rights. gay people can't even vote. >> they can and do vote and should vote. >> stephen: i'm in the talking about dancing for the stars. i'm talking about voting. i'm from south carolina i know they are not allowed to vote
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there. >> it's very important that everybody vote. >> stephen: was it significant when the president came out and supported gay marriage, do you think? >> i believe it was. >> stephen: was ate a shock for you? >> no. >> stephen: didn't shock you at all to find out the president is gay. >> i think he supports marriage equality certainly. >> stephen: so you knew that. >> he definitely supports marriage equality. >> stephen: so that was the first hint that the president was homosexual. >> no. >> stephen: that was not the first hint there were others. >> he made it clear he supported marriage equality. >> stephen: moving on. you are on the congress shal meth caucus do you guys ever stay up all night and clean the halls of congress? >> we don't but in missouri, like other states in the midwest, we've had some of the highest incidence of meth production. >> stephen: have you ever done meth? crank? >> no. >> stephen: glint?
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>> no. >> stephen: got got. >> it's a drug that has been highly toxic. >> stephen: tarzan, billy crystal. >> usually devastating consequences. >> stephen: dr. ice's tooth loosenering meth meth am fete m? >> no way we want to shut down the meth labs. >> stephen: let's change the subject. and higher -- and higher -- anheuser-busch is in your direct. >> we're proud of brewery that is there but they are large proponents of responsible drinking. >> stephen: you want to chug a bud with me? do you want to hit it? shall we? okay. can cheers to the first or
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third. cheers. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you are a light weight. congressman thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me today. good luck with the third or the first or the fourth pet them together. jim let's put missouri's first up on the big board. oh, looks like monsanto just developed exploding corn. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: thank you very much. [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. nation, i'd say if your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you need to get your eyes stapled. this is thought for food. >> whoo! >> stephen: folks, i'm no fan of usda a bunch of government bureaucrats sitting around all day inspecting my meat. it's sick stuff. now this bloated agency has gone too far. >> department of agriculture might have bitten off well more than it can chew. after an internal news letter
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encouraging employees to participate in meatless mondays came to light. the memo hailing not eating meat for one day is a simple way to reduce your environmental impact. >> stephen: what if sn if i have meatless mondays how do i celebrate trichinosis tuesdays? this whole thing is typical of the vegg-elite. new they've got problems of their own. according to the jurn of plant science evidently plants can talk. researchers found that plants not only respond to sound but communicate with each other with clicking p noises just like the olsen twins. [ laughter ] and plants suffer, supersensitive microphones picked up a bubbling sound from a healthy plant that rose to a piercing screech when threatened. so all those smug morally
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superior vegans are actually vicious kale killers. what is that carrot? oh, no, oh, no, what? oh, they took your babies and drowned them in ranch dressings? you monsters. [cheers and applause] folks -- to get the message out about the quiet suffering of our bow tal call brethren, i created the following public service announcement. jim? ♪ in the arms of the angels ♪ far away from here ♪ from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel ♪ >> stephen: hi, i'm stephen
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colbert asking you to be an angel for helpless fruit or vegetables. every year these innocents are viciously pulled from their roots and killed for your dinner. sometimes just as a garnish. can you look into these potatoes eyes and tell them you don't care? will you break anher art choke's heart? please do your part and eat as much meat as possible brought to you by p-tops. people for the ethical treatment of produce. orange you glad you're not a bananaa? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] this is barney. he's found a good home already. tonight i'm going to introduce him to his new friend sue. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome bark everybody. my guest tonight is the host of the msnbc show up oosm goim going to take him -- show up. i'm going to take him down. please welcome chris hayes. [cheers and applause] hey, chris. >> how are you? >> stephen: thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: let's talk about the elephant in the room. you are not wearing a tie. >> i'm not.
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>> stephen: okay. did you at least wear underwear? >> i did wear underwear i'm terrible at tying ties. >> stephen: really? how old are you? >> i'm 33. it's the sort of thing that at a certain point in life i gave up on and decided to commit myself to other things. >> stephen: you are a newsman now it's called gravitas. >> we engineered the show around the fact that i can't tie a tie. >> stephen: sounds like a great program. you are editor at large in the nation magazine. >> right. >> stephen: you got the show up with chris hayes but what are the odds. >> yes. >> stephen: you have a new book here called twilight of the elites, america after merit ok crassy. what do you mean of the twilight of the elites, speaking to you as an elite. >> twilight is aspirational title. >> stephen: really you? want it to be over for guys like me?
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>> more or less. >> stephen: wow, wow. >> i think guys like you and i saw this with a due deference and respect. >> stephen: can i tell. >> have had a pretty poor record over this decade. >> stephen: what are you talking about? i have an ipad. things are going great. >> they are on one side of ledger but when you balance that against the iraq war, crean yark larger financial crisis, $8 trillion in a housing bubble that went up. >> stephen: it was not the elite. it was the people who couldn't afford houses fooling the banks into giving them loans. >> you know from the history. >> stephen: read the history books. >> from the history, people have been lending money a long time. in the history after this going back to the greeks it's the lender who makes the judgment about whether someone is credit worthy. that's the way it works. >> stephen: no, no, no because the government forced the banks to do it. what do you fee fine as an
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elite. you are a media elite. is this a cry for help? >> [cheers and applause] it's largely therapy historically what the bored is meant and a powerful way of explanning the word say relatively small group of people who exert a disproportionate influence over the society's direction. >> stephen: you mean the people who earned their place in the meritocracy. you may want to write this down, earned the place? >> i mean the people who tell themselves they earned the place. >> stephen: nobody gave me anything other than my parents who gave met fortune i used to go to school. >> that's the book's argument in one sentence. >> stephen: that's good because i'm not going to read it
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you she had it. i hear it's wonderful. but, okay, so -- how do you think people -- you are even against intellectual elites. don't prepare for the s.a.t.s. down the take the kaplan prep test it's cheating, what? >> it's a small but acute example in the ways we tell ourselves we're probheeght we call equality of opportunity. we don't care about outcome. people like yourself can get as rich as they can get in america it's a great thing. >> stephen: is it not a good thing? >> it's a complicated thing. >> stephen: there's a limit to how successful i should be. >> i think that the level of inequality we've seen produces elites that cannot help but fail. >> stephen: what do you mean we fail. >> look around you, see stephen. >> stephen: i have a television show. people chant my name! i've got chris hayes as my guest am i failing in some way?
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>> you are succeeded but if you walk out of here and take the subway ten or 15 stops. [ laughter ] there's a lot of frustration, anger and misery in this country right now brought about by a colossal and catastrophic failure by the pillar institutions in the country. the costs of it are not borne by the stephen colbert's even if it's stephen colbert's of the world that brought it about they are borne by the people 15 stops away from here. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you are something of a populous here. >> something of that, yes. >> stephen: you are say begun, you know, the book offers a few -- a down to earth solutions for elitists like me who fetishize, you know, big thoughts and stuff like that. you suggest, and i quote "building a transid logical coalition that could actually
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dislodge the power of the post meritocratic elite -- it doesn't get any more populous than that. i wish woody guthrie were alive to set that to muse ic. good luck with the revolution comrade hayes. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: the book is "the twilight of elites." i think it has vampires [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: that's it for the report,
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